All right, A-dubs, I guess I'll get the ball rollin' on this. First off, I should introduce myself. I am A-dubs' protege, pal, and would-be pimp. I try and find him tail around Ann Arbor, but to no avail. One girl looked like she could crack a coconut with her incisors, a trait purposefully obscured by what looked like really good facebook pictures, and the other forced us to watch The Duggan family, a show about two squirrel-shit nutty fundamentalists and their brain-washed horde of children. Whenever he comes around, I talk like a Jersey douche bag, even to my girlfriend, who probably likes it, though, along with any and all new haircuts.
A-dubs and myself, who I will rechristen "Slegathor", have been through a lot. Part of the inspiration for this forum has to be the vitriol we spew at facebook together. We have destroyed everyone, maybe even our fellow collaborators here, for their propensity to suck dick or get rammed in the ass. It's not healthy, it's not constructive, and it might not even be funny. But it's just something us vindictive little pricks need to do now and then. But, I'll try not to let this spoil the Root Beer Cooler.
Thank you, A-dubs, for convincing me to come to Ann Arbor. Since I've been here, I've eaten nothing but tofu and couscous. I guess you forgot I had a dick, and that's okay. Simple oversight, completely understandable. Also, I get harassed on my way to class, back and forth, every, mother, fucking, day. One almost needs to be as fucking freaky as the rest just so they won't approach you. Also, thank you for steering me towards East Quad so hysterical women can run in and talk about their vaginas. I just want to give them all the attention I have, and, God, do I have a lot of it. And thank you for the door humpers, you know, the people that hump my door. Let's hope the splinters don't stop the show. Equally great are the people that know when I'm in my room by the scent particles drifting off my ass. How much do I love a good friend to sit knee-to-knee with me, watching my face-not my computer, my hands, or what I'm reading-as I do homework. Having the option to go gay whenever I want with a ready boyfriend has been a great relief. Also, thank you for the roommate that farts uproariously whenever my girlfriend comes over. It has shown me how much she loves me and has given me the confidence to consider ripping ass around her myself. The legendary Dutch Oven is within sight, my friends. And thank you for the barely bi-linguals that order their fucking mozarella sticks downstairs in Spanish. I can't wait for them to get their wallets yanked abroad. "Quieres ver mi cartera?- HEY, GIVE THAT BACK, YOU SOOTY PIECE OF GUTTER SHIT! THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE A BARREL-FULL OF SMASHED ASSHOLES, AND I HAVE BEEN SHITTING BLOOD FOR A WEEK!" Thank you for stoners that drink coffee and say "existentialism" a lot, and people who call this school racist because there are still white people here. I love it here. Oh, by the way A-dubs, don't let me forget to get you that root beer.
