Congratulations on a successful campaign.
Though the semester may end, our dream will never die. Fall 2009 will see the beginning of Turned On, Episode IV: A New Hope.
The first call must be a glorious wookie call that makes the returning host wet himself onscreen.
We shall then pelt him with proverbial ice and loose change:
"Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Carl Brutanandilewski. I am 46 years young, and I sleep in my beanbag chair. Welcome to my funhouse."
Oh, the joy to come.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I think I just saw an exorcism in the bathroom
The following events took place between 2:02 and 2:05am in a dorm bathroom:
I'm standing in front of a sink, brushing my teeth, all by myself, contemplating my day's events.
Some guy comes in and walks over to one of the urinals.
He rolls his neck, lets out a big sigh.
I can hear him start to wee.
Then, he looks up at the ceiling, and lets out a roar. You remember that Godsmack song the Navy used to use in its commercials? It sounded like that, except in an echo chamber.
I don't know if he pissed straight gasoline, fire ants that were on fire, or Satan's urinary tract disease, but he didn't wash his hands and that's gross.
DPS has no suspects.
I'm standing in front of a sink, brushing my teeth, all by myself, contemplating my day's events.
Some guy comes in and walks over to one of the urinals.
He rolls his neck, lets out a big sigh.
I can hear him start to wee.
Then, he looks up at the ceiling, and lets out a roar. You remember that Godsmack song the Navy used to use in its commercials? It sounded like that, except in an echo chamber.
I don't know if he pissed straight gasoline, fire ants that were on fire, or Satan's urinary tract disease, but he didn't wash his hands and that's gross.
DPS has no suspects.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
More dickspiration
A rough and tough sounding New Jersey guy who is interested in being dominated S&M style.
A nerd weighing the pros and cons of giving a girl in his WoW guild enough gold for epic flight in exchange for meeting up with her to have sex. If this barely makes sense to you, all the better.
Perhaps attempting to warn them of outbreaks of STDs on campus? If we can get them spreading false information that would be wonderful.
A nerd weighing the pros and cons of giving a girl in his WoW guild enough gold for epic flight in exchange for meeting up with her to have sex. If this barely makes sense to you, all the better.
Perhaps attempting to warn them of outbreaks of STDs on campus? If we can get them spreading false information that would be wonderful.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Ah, 2:15 AM. That time of why-am-I-not-sleeping-I-have-a-fucking-Swedish-test-at-9-am inspiration.
With the return of snow, I thought I'd write about the thing that irritates me most on this campus:
The Stamp
-Made Winterwear Girl
The Stamp-Made Winterwear girl wears one outfit from November 1 until March 31. This three piece outfit includes, from top to bottom:
1. The long ass north face puffy coat, pictured left on Angelina Jolie (who isn't that hot, but that's a different article entirely)
2. Leggings, which I assume everyone is aware of
3. Ugg Fucking Boots. Pictured right in all their overrated, overpriced, completely retarded glory.
Normally this outfit might not bother me so much, but this describes literally 75% of the girls in Ann Arbor between the months listed above. It gets a little old. Also, as a wise source once related to me, "if you weigh more than 140 lbs, stay the fuck out of leggings."
With the return of snow, I thought I'd write about the thing that irritates me most on this campus:
The Stamp
-Made Winterwear GirlThe Stamp-Made Winterwear girl wears one outfit from November 1 until March 31. This three piece outfit includes, from top to bottom:
1. The long ass north face puffy coat, pictured left on Angelina Jolie (who isn't that hot, but that's a different article entirely)
2. Leggings, which I assume everyone is aware of
3. Ugg Fucking Boots. Pictured right in all their overrated, overpriced, completely retarded glory.
Normally this outfit might not bother me so much, but this describes literally 75% of the girls in Ann Arbor between the months listed above. It gets a little old. Also, as a wise source once related to me, "if you weigh more than 140 lbs, stay the fuck out of leggings."
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Dickspiration
Dick that gets a boner and curves straight down, towards the floor.
Dick that has been given a square/block-shaped tip by parents so it won't fit in a world with round holes. Geometric contraceptive.
Dick that drops off, wanders around at night, and fights crime.
Guy that T-bags his roommate every night. I'm thinking he could call in as his way of finally telling his roommate, you know, with the help and support of Team Turned On.
Guy that asks chick on show which one of the nicknames she gave him that she likes best. Really just a way to list some awesome dick names, while also implying that that hoe on the right had sex with me.
Carl calls in to talk about his bromance with a fellow NJ douche bag. I'll wax romantic about rigid spikey hair, puke-orange tan, creatine musk, and 2$ wife-beaters.
Guy who gets a boner whenever he watches the "My Favorite Things" episode of Oprah's show.
Any other weird sexual turn-ons. I'm sure we can drum up a bunch.
Talk amongst yourselves...
Dick that has been given a square/block-shaped tip by parents so it won't fit in a world with round holes. Geometric contraceptive.
Dick that drops off, wanders around at night, and fights crime.
Guy that T-bags his roommate every night. I'm thinking he could call in as his way of finally telling his roommate, you know, with the help and support of Team Turned On.
Guy that asks chick on show which one of the nicknames she gave him that she likes best. Really just a way to list some awesome dick names, while also implying that that hoe on the right had sex with me.
Carl calls in to talk about his bromance with a fellow NJ douche bag. I'll wax romantic about rigid spikey hair, puke-orange tan, creatine musk, and 2$ wife-beaters.
Guy who gets a boner whenever he watches the "My Favorite Things" episode of Oprah's show.
Any other weird sexual turn-ons. I'm sure we can drum up a bunch.
Talk amongst yourselves...
Friday, April 3, 2009
Operation: Brutananadilewski
Yeah Good Morning,
Whoop-dee-frickin-doo. It's time for this blog to get movin'. As you already know, the televisual program "Turned On" received three unusual callers last Tuesday.
We need to make this a long-term project, because the hosts deserve every single ounce of embarrassment and shame they can possibly have the capacity to feel.
To all of our readers, both of you, I ask that you advertise next Tuesday's show enthusiastically and with great vigor. We want "Carl from West Quad" to be the fourth cast member of this show. We also want as many copy-cats as we can encourage.
Imagine the 30-minute show having to cancel a 7-minute piece on fruit-flavored body paint because 5 jerks from the South Jersey shore won't stop calling:
"Hey, I wanna make a shout out to my girl who I know is watchin this at the bus station or somethin: just cause I'm on the TV don't magically mean I got food money for you."
Whoop-dee-frickin-doo. It's time for this blog to get movin'. As you already know, the televisual program "Turned On" received three unusual callers last Tuesday.
We need to make this a long-term project, because the hosts deserve every single ounce of embarrassment and shame they can possibly have the capacity to feel.
To all of our readers, both of you, I ask that you advertise next Tuesday's show enthusiastically and with great vigor. We want "Carl from West Quad" to be the fourth cast member of this show. We also want as many copy-cats as we can encourage.
Imagine the 30-minute show having to cancel a 7-minute piece on fruit-flavored body paint because 5 jerks from the South Jersey shore won't stop calling:
"Hey, I wanna make a shout out to my girl who I know is watchin this at the bus station or somethin: just cause I'm on the TV don't magically mean I got food money for you."
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
First sip
All right, A-dubs, I guess I'll get the ball rollin' on this. First off, I should introduce myself. I am A-dubs' protege, pal, and would-be pimp. I try and find him tail around Ann Arbor, but to no avail. One girl looked like she could crack a coconut with her incisors, a trait purposefully obscured by what looked like really good facebook pictures, and the other forced us to watch The Duggan family, a show about two squirrel-shit nutty fundamentalists and their brain-washed horde of children. Whenever he comes around, I talk like a Jersey douche bag, even to my girlfriend, who probably likes it, though, along with any and all new haircuts.
A-dubs and myself, who I will rechristen "Slegathor", have been through a lot. Part of the inspiration for this forum has to be the vitriol we spew at facebook together. We have destroyed everyone, maybe even our fellow collaborators here, for their propensity to suck dick or get rammed in the ass. It's not healthy, it's not constructive, and it might not even be funny. But it's just something us vindictive little pricks need to do now and then. But, I'll try not to let this spoil the Root Beer Cooler.
Thank you, A-dubs, for convincing me to come to Ann Arbor. Since I've been here, I've eaten nothing but tofu and couscous. I guess you forgot I had a dick, and that's okay. Simple oversight, completely understandable. Also, I get harassed on my way to class, back and forth, every, mother, fucking, day. One almost needs to be as fucking freaky as the rest just so they won't approach you. Also, thank you for steering me towards East Quad so hysterical women can run in and talk about their vaginas. I just want to give them all the attention I have, and, God, do I have a lot of it. And thank you for the door humpers, you know, the people that hump my door. Let's hope the splinters don't stop the show. Equally great are the people that know when I'm in my room by the scent particles drifting off my ass. How much do I love a good friend to sit knee-to-knee with me, watching my face-not my computer, my hands, or what I'm reading-as I do homework. Having the option to go gay whenever I want with a ready boyfriend has been a great relief. Also, thank you for the roommate that farts uproariously whenever my girlfriend comes over. It has shown me how much she loves me and has given me the confidence to consider ripping ass around her myself. The legendary Dutch Oven is within sight, my friends. And thank you for the barely bi-linguals that order their fucking mozarella sticks downstairs in Spanish. I can't wait for them to get their wallets yanked abroad. "Quieres ver mi cartera?- HEY, GIVE THAT BACK, YOU SOOTY PIECE OF GUTTER SHIT! THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE A BARREL-FULL OF SMASHED ASSHOLES, AND I HAVE BEEN SHITTING BLOOD FOR A WEEK!" Thank you for stoners that drink coffee and say "existentialism" a lot, and people who call this school racist because there are still white people here. I love it here. Oh, by the way A-dubs, don't let me forget to get you that root beer.
A-dubs and myself, who I will rechristen "Slegathor", have been through a lot. Part of the inspiration for this forum has to be the vitriol we spew at facebook together. We have destroyed everyone, maybe even our fellow collaborators here, for their propensity to suck dick or get rammed in the ass. It's not healthy, it's not constructive, and it might not even be funny. But it's just something us vindictive little pricks need to do now and then. But, I'll try not to let this spoil the Root Beer Cooler.
Thank you, A-dubs, for convincing me to come to Ann Arbor. Since I've been here, I've eaten nothing but tofu and couscous. I guess you forgot I had a dick, and that's okay. Simple oversight, completely understandable. Also, I get harassed on my way to class, back and forth, every, mother, fucking, day. One almost needs to be as fucking freaky as the rest just so they won't approach you. Also, thank you for steering me towards East Quad so hysterical women can run in and talk about their vaginas. I just want to give them all the attention I have, and, God, do I have a lot of it. And thank you for the door humpers, you know, the people that hump my door. Let's hope the splinters don't stop the show. Equally great are the people that know when I'm in my room by the scent particles drifting off my ass. How much do I love a good friend to sit knee-to-knee with me, watching my face-not my computer, my hands, or what I'm reading-as I do homework. Having the option to go gay whenever I want with a ready boyfriend has been a great relief. Also, thank you for the roommate that farts uproariously whenever my girlfriend comes over. It has shown me how much she loves me and has given me the confidence to consider ripping ass around her myself. The legendary Dutch Oven is within sight, my friends. And thank you for the barely bi-linguals that order their fucking mozarella sticks downstairs in Spanish. I can't wait for them to get their wallets yanked abroad. "Quieres ver mi cartera?- HEY, GIVE THAT BACK, YOU SOOTY PIECE OF GUTTER SHIT! THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE A BARREL-FULL OF SMASHED ASSHOLES, AND I HAVE BEEN SHITTING BLOOD FOR A WEEK!" Thank you for stoners that drink coffee and say "existentialism" a lot, and people who call this school racist because there are still white people here. I love it here. Oh, by the way A-dubs, don't let me forget to get you that root beer.
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